my lifeas itis.
Friday, May 27, 2005
I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistakedat song was taken from the song "incomplete"..
hmms..today dee sent it to me...
which means i'm in sch!
ahahaha...
anyways, i think the lyrics struck mi ba...
it goes out to a fren actually...hmms...
I've tried...You wanted me back and here I am...
I guess i got it all wrong...
but i guess its all my fault to begin with...
I jus hope dat there wont be any regrets...Father Lord, I pray for my friend to be strong oh Lord
even during this time of exams,
I pray dat u'll grant her strength to carry on studying
and I pray dat she'll get good grades to glorify ure name oh Lord...
I pray dat even as she might be doing her paper today,
I pray dat u'll help her rmb all dat she've studied...
I pray dat she'll be able to do her best and also give her more rest after she's done and she'll get her voice back soon...
Lord, i also pray for myself to be strong during this time...
let mi be more mature in my thots
grant me peace...
i know things wont go my way but i ask for ure plans to be revealed to me...
I pray dat all this can be done, in Jesus name i pray
Amen.sighz...
still the same.|
10:21 AM
Thursday, May 26, 2005
*sniffs sniffs*
hmms...feelin realli sickz...
yst in class nv do anything much...sorrie to my grp!!
hmms...yea...its true dat i've not been performing...
i guess its high time i should...
shall try my best!!
yst met up with jon, justine and shann to go eat at millena walk..
dunno spell correctly not..haha..i dint even know how to get dere la!
very very tired...
slept for like 6 hrs in 2 days...and i feel like sleein more...=x
reached home at bout 10+...
realli couldnt take it so i took a cab...
reached home with a headache....
den realised dat i actually had fever la...38 deg..sighs...
lucky i'm feelin much better today..but i still feel like throwin' up.. =x
anyways, its been confirmed! june 19-24 goin to thailand! yay...haha...but cant be so happi yet...i havent asked my parents and i also need pastor's consent...scared it'll be a big hurdle...but mus go trainin and all dat..so feelin quite excited actually...
i think i needa rest...sigs...realli dun like to feel this way...later!
still the same.|
11:46 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
heys
hmms...yst i went for gen12:2 wave 2...was my first time going...cool la...hahas...can reach out to so many other ppl in other parts of the world...
btw,
i'm signin on for a mission trip
and its gonna be on 19-24 of june...
hmms..realli hope i can go la...
its nice to leave singapore...
i wanna get away...
it'll be good to get away from my parents and all...
and jus devote myself to servin God...
i dunno why...
dun feel like sayin so much this time...
hmms...
i'm jus gonna do my best to focus on bowling and on God...
cos i'm so tired...sighs...
still the same.|
8:18 AM
Saturday, May 21, 2005
hiyee!
hmms...i've realised dat i havent been updatin for quite a while
i guess i've been too busy...
sorrie guys if i nv kip in contact wif u all...esp ppl from church! sorrie!!
first and foremost, i wanna thank the crusaders in sch!!
it has been a pretty rough week for mi...and they've always been dere for mi...
DESPITE my mood swings...
hahas...i think that will be the worst of me u'll ever see...
To Ash, Di, Nawa and Sandy, thanks for all ure time for me in class...
and sorrie for lettin it all out on u guys...
anyways, i jus wanna let u all know dat i love u guys so muchie!
if not for all of u, i realli dunno wadz will happen to me...
so i sincerely wanna thank all of u guys... >.<
i think dat from mon - thurs, life's been terrible la...
ppl seein the super sensitive and emotional side of me...
but thank God for blessing me yesterday...
i finally got into RP bowling team and i'm gonna make sure i stay in there!!
haha...yst training was super great lah...i'm still not dat used to the drills though...
but i did well for my games...heehee...becos i finally knew how to aim! >.<
i think dats the most embarassin part...dat i didnt know how to aim even after bowling for so long already...LOL!
so we actually had one game for drills, den we played 3 games...
heehee...my score was 148, 145 den 226...wah...not bad eh...heehee
but i still wanna work on it...i wont let my national dreams slip away without a fight...i'm gonna train and train...
Den God also blessed mi yst when my mum received a starhub letter and she got a hundred dollars voucher...den i can finally change fone liaos!! yay..after a long year wif my this fone, i also think its time to change... =p
One last thing, irene yst came and spoke to mi online, and there MIGHT be a slight chance of going for a mission trip...i know chances are not high...but i realli realli wanna go...so...i'm realli prayin now...and i hope dat God will answer my prayers...hmms....okie...with all dat said, i think i gotta go liaos...lols...mus rush to church to practise for tmr...and i havent bathe! oh no! lols...okok...i think wan ting influence mi alot...i feel like i talk abit like her...and joulbert also!! u 2 are baddies! wahahahahaha...okies..craps lata...tata~
still the same.|
10:45 AM
Monday, May 16, 2005
yossss~~
can u believe it?!
i'm actually in mac now...den joulbert, ting2 and simon all studyin other den mi
i super slack sia...
hmms...smthing's definitely wrong with mi today...i cant stop laughin...
it was great la...
its been ages since i realli laughed till this crazy...
and i practically laugh over everything...
and i cant stop... =x
initially today was in a bad mood...thanks ash..for tryin to listen to me...
but after dat things got quite okie...
esp aft the "xxx" talk by eugene...
and of cos, some silly comments by sherlyn... =p
hmms....sandy accompanied her today...
so nice of her to crap online with mi...
i practically wasnt payin attentition to the fac lo...
confirm get low grades liaos...
aft sch talked to the fac...
figured dat it would be better for him and the class...
i wouldn't wan to go thru dat much torture all the time...
i wanna aim for good grades...
scully i can do even better den joulbert!!
wahahahahs....
hmms...today i prayed...realli..its like the first time i realli did so in a week...
was nice la...at least i'm happier now...lols...
i'm boooooooooooooooooooooored...
lols...tmr enterprise le..and to think last week i got a C...
sighs...hmms..nvm...i shall try to do my best...
hope my 3 darling seniors here will jiayou in their studies...
tmr their UT and i was like playing gunbound infront of dem...
evil baddie me...lols...
i lurveee my classy...lols...
though we aint dat tight yet...
ironic eh?
lols...but they're nice peeps...
i'm sure...jus like mi..
muahahahahaha...
there i go, being nuts again... =p
anyways, go do RJ liaos...
still the same.|
8:07 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005
hmms
today i've decided not to go to church
am i doing the rite thing...?
hah...i can practically hear jon chen's voice at da back of my head
askin me why i aint goin church today...
i nv even turned up for oikois yst...sighz...
i think its time...
time for to have a break...
i've realised dat i've been quite involved in sch...
and when dere's nth on aft sch, i tend to feel lost...
so i think its time...
to sit by da beach and think things thru...
tyme to seek myself...
its purely jus bout time...
why i aint going to church is not becos i dun wanna go...
i jus see no point in going for...
or for this week in the least...
ppl say dat when u worship,
u do dat with ure heart...
dats why i lurvee the song heart of worship so much...
but dun expect mi to worship if i dunno how my heart feels..
i'm sure God wont be pleased by it too...
ppl, jus gimme tyme to find myself back...
i realli need a break from my own issues in lyfe...
but i hope dat if any of u guys need a listenin ear,
i still can help...
but no promise guys...
not when i feel lost myself...
still the same.|
2:03 PM
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
damn...to think dat i believed today was a good day...pardon me if i use all the impolite language...i shall try to refrain myself from doing so...sighs...
sch was realli okie...communication was fun...i got to do jon chen's job for a couple of mins...new experience and stuff...i also signed up for bowlin le...but no one accompany mi go and train...sigh...i dunno lahs...fri is roll-off day...hope i can do well ba...
family sucks sucks sucks...i have no idea wad the hell my dad wants from me...first he says he wants mi to study, and honestly, i think i'm already trying my best already wad...wad on earth can u expect from a guy who failed his mid year and have a pathetic 26 points for L1R4? U think i dunwan to do well? I will admit it if i say i've played too much rather den to study but have u any idea how i'm doing in sch? i dun care if other says i'm not good enuff in sch...wad matters now is dat i'm finally believing dat i can actually do well in poly and yet u mus say dat i'm not doing wad i should? if i study, i'm in da wrong and u scold me...if i dun study, i'm also in the wrong...den wad the hell u wan from me? all u do is jus to rant at mi without any justice...how abt wad i feel...why wont u bother thinkin of wad i feel...why dun u jus stop scoldin for a moment and think dat i'm actually ure son? i tried to respect him by tryin to give in, not tryin to start an argument...dad, u're jus unreasonable...i dun even know whether u deserve to be called my father...since when u've cared anyway...i realli wanna hate u for wadeva u've done to me in my life..nothing's ever good enuff...i hate u i hate u...
and its not my fault dat i'm busy...i DO have things to do after sch...i'm also worn out...why wont u try to understand? i know dat not contactin with my grandma is my fault but i din do it on purpose! why mus u make it seem to be my fault dat she's dying? u think i'm not upset as u are? for heaven's sake, i've seen more of her den u in my lifetime...how could u even blame me...
i'm tryin not to hate life to the core now...i still mus go to sch tmr and act as though everything is ok...God, why do i feel so abandoned...what's with all this trials? hasn't it been enuff? ppl hatin me, parents divorce, my grandma leavin me, my mum bf...all in the short space of half a year...isnt it enuff...its now becomin so hard to believe that i can make it thru all these trial...can u try to understand oh Lord...when will it be enuff for u...do i have to alone for the rest of my life den u'll be satistified? all these tears dat i'm sheddin now, esp for the past 6 months amounts to more tears dat i've shed in the rest of my life...i've given up ppl dat i treasure jus for u...and one, who i used to treasure so much in my life, hates me now...i nid all these to end...i realli do...i jus dun think i can go on...
still the same.|
11:07 AM
Monday, May 09, 2005
there're jus so many of these thots in my mind...wad is right and wad is wrong...sometimes, life realli feels like a burden, with so many responsibilities to bear...i know and God is there for mi and all but sometimes, all i wan is jux some reassurance from ppl dat i can lean on physically...i think perhaps a shoulder is wad i realli need...
yst i sang at youth...it was so great lo..God was definitely there...but...sigh...it was mother's day lo...i dunno wads gotten into me...is it wrong of me not to try and save her? perhaps its the evil side of mi ba...i dun consider myself having parents...i jus treat them as non-existent ba...
life is unfair unfair unfair!!! wad on earth did i do to deserve all these...i did nth...i realli did nth...all my life, i've not even gone for detention classes before...so why? its not bout forgiving and forgettin...but...sigh...i dunno la...i'm not as strong as i look...ppl who know me well knows dat i'm one of the most sensitive guy on earth...
i think i need help...i definitely do...i know dat i cant get thru this period of time alone...sighs...i leave it to God's hands ba...
i'm hidin in a box, lookin thru dat small little hole
i got out of the box, but afraid of how the world would percieve of me
i hid back into the box, lookin thru dat little hole once again
i drown myelf to slp with my tears, wake up with the lingering ache
i know i'm not suppose to be alone, but who am i suppose to follow...
still the same.|
1:42 PM
Saturday, May 07, 2005
i think i jus had one of the weirdest dreams...becos i jus woke up...and i wanted to write it out before i forget this dream....it all felt so weird...i cant remember much about what happened in the beginning...but i knew i was a shoppin mall with low gravitional field...seemed kinda weird...and den i knew this guy...shucks...i forgot his name...we were jus having fun...den after that, i actually got so much fun with "floating" around until i got lost...i tried to find my friend again...so i actualli like went to the cargo area and took a lift...i rmb takin the lift with an old lady..she looked like the security guard of dat place or smthing...so i went in the lift with her...i told her dat i actually onli wanted to go a storey down(perhaps i was too lazy to take the esclator)...but the auntie told mi no, i cant go there...the lift onli goes to certain floors...so instead, i went all the way down...after takin the esclator up 2 stories, i realised that i was actually on the first level...so i went out of the building, and actually saw my frens...but i cant rmb who my frens were...and there was this uncle with them...after chatting with them, this uncle approached me and talk...so we jus had a fun time chatting though i barely knew that guy...and after that we reached a scene, which is like similiar to chinatown or people's park...i onli remembered trying to tell this uncle all about mi, my own darkest secrets and stuff...but i was unable becos someone always interupted me...den after that, we jus stopped walking...the uncle felt unwell...he sit on a bench...and nearby, there's another uncle who was lookin on...the other uncle walked towards the uncle that was sitting down, knelt infront of his feet and den it jus began to rain...i think i didnt know wad to react at that time...i jus felt amazed i guess...den after that, the uncle jus walked to me...he held mi close...and for no apparent reason, i jus cried...but i knew that he was going to leave me...i felt that there was an illness within him...i tried hugging him tighter to persuade him to stay...but smthing inside of him jus told my heart that he cant...and also, i saw some stuff...i'm not realli sure wad it is, but one of the points in the content is to contact someone...i also happen to know someone by dat name so i dunno wad it is trying to tell me...i could onli feel my heart breakin and crying even more becos i had to let him go and after i did, i jus dropped to my knees and cried and den i woke up...
i woke up with a broken heart....i didnt know wadz the meaning of the dream...someone is going to leave me? or smthing is going to happen to that person? i dunno...mayb that uncle was God...or mayb its Satan tellin mi dat God will leave me...is it good or bad, i do not know...but i jus have so many questions...
when is the right time to let go
tell me cos i need to know
i need to hear your words
i wish i could feel your touch again
i'm gonna embark on this aimless empty road
but whether my heart is ready, this i do not know...
still the same.|
10:02 AM
Friday, May 06, 2005
i chose to turn away and not look back
hopin dat by walking away it'll be alrite
but da footprints in da sand wouldn't let me be
and dat when i realised dat my shadow keeps followin me
can i ever let you go?
Lord pls tell me so dat i can know...
today very slack ar!! basic science super boring lor...i can nv get A for this course le...today actually played like dunno how many hours lor...den left yvonne and dian to do the work...onli aft basic science lessons i feel this guilty...so sorrie gals! today actually nth much happened la...hmms...i'm so bored now....i got nth on aft sch le but i also dunno wad to do...feel so tired also...sighs...anyways, i think betta go oink oink le...tmr gonna play nba live 2005 in class....lols...nitey nitex...
still the same.|
12:01 AM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
is this what u want me to know?
would it be ok if i dun allow myself to sink into reality?
i thot it would be alrite all along, till you'd prove me wrong
and when i need u to lead mi on, you're jus....gone
i feel like a pathetic fool now, jus trying to understand wads going on...
today was a very longggg day....school was okie...onli dat fac actually stressed me outz earli in da morning...sch was ok la...nth to talk abt...aft sch was the exciting freshmen gathering...oh ya, i managed to get samuel to go! haha...thank God...den everything went on quite well...lucky i nv screw up my part...heehee...den i like simon's testimonial ending...very meaninful and true... i quote, "You need to have the brains to win a Nobel prize, you need good looks to be a Hollywood star but you do not need anything jus to have a relationship with God." Wah...i like dat so much wor...inspirational sia...lol...den Chingyet the message also super meaninful lor...i guess its also very true lor...i dunwan to be a single piece of puzzle by myself...i wanna be a bigger picture dat God has put me in! den at the end of everything, pam gave us a tee shirt..so nice of dem lor!! and the shirt also very nice...thanks to pam, chingyet and juliana(hope i spell her name correctly.. =x)!!!
Aft dat, since most of us in the hyper mood, we all decided to go to PS and watch movie lor...we watch XXX...but den in the build up of the show i was sleepin lor...so waste money....lols...den ar...sigh...aft we left the cinema meiling cant find the phone...den i follow her back...hopin to find the phone somewhere...but they were already clearing up the place le...but those kind soul were nice enuff to try and help us lor...even though nv find the fone, they still helped us alot...so mush thank dem alot! xie xie ni men!! =) aft dat she got very upset lor...den i also dunno how to comfort her...sighs...den mi myself feel so sadz and stuff...i pei her in a corner for awhile den aft dat the rest of the grp came den i left her with dem lor...den i alone rush down to mrt there...i even tap my card and went in to try and find anyone holding her fone...but couldn't find anyone...sighs...den i made my way back up and find dem lor...but i nv follow dem back up...prolly becos i wanna be by myself...sighs...i also dunno why...anyways, before ending off, i wanna say a little prayer for meiling first...
*dear heavenly papa,
i pray for my dear sister meiling oh God dat even though she lost her fone lor, i pray dat she can seek comfort in you oh Lord...Lord, i jus pray dat no matter how down she feels, i pray that she can still delight in u oh Lord and Lord, i pray for your blessings to be upon her becos she has been such a wonderful person to everyone around her oh God...Thank you Lord...In Jesus name i pray, Amen.*
still the same.|
5:07 PM
is my key in the rite tune?
or am i the onli one listening to my melody?
cos its sad when ppl dun lurve u the way u lurve dem
so wad is it dat i should do?
my inner self wont let mi forget the ones dat i've lurved
will u now den lurve me too?
for all u know, i might jus need u more den u nid me...
today was not bAdddddd~~~~ went to campus crusade the HQ and rehearsed for tmr...cos tmr havin christian freshmen gatherin party!!! and to think i'm also a freshmen...quite ironic aint it? hmms...but lookin forward to it la...cos i MC...but i guess i'll screw up pretty much...hahas...to simon, charlton, jolbert, wan ting, mei ling and josiah(hope nv spell wrongly), all of us must gambade together yea!!! heehee...actually feelin quite hyper now...becos of all the mei ling's "winter" jokes...lol...oh yea...today i actually can play tong hua the first verse on piano!!! woohoo!! i now feelin so on to try and learn dat song..but i think will be abit hard la...i not talented in music de...those who know pls teach mi leh...=x den today also go play pool...so smoky sia...my head super pain liaos...hope i dun get any attack anytime soon...i dun wanna get it again..later serious till mus go to hosp...ok la...i needa go and settle my ppt for tmr...ppl, i need prayers!! haha...cos i sickz and stuff...hope tmr will be a better day...hao ba..nitex and take care!! muack muack!
still the same.|
1:00 AM
Sunday, May 01, 2005
I woke up, unknowingly torn between the warmth of my fantasy and the cold reality
without any senses tellin me where do i realli belong
I've waited all my life to cross dat line cos I feel so cold
yet I cant cross it ; its meant to be pursued.
Oh God, why ish lyfe so hard now
maybe i'll never find outz...
Jus now I was actually thinkin of the commandment sayin, "Thou shall not lie." But, wad if some other life depended on a lie? Den am i doin smthing dat is against the word of God? Or is there any correct answer? I think i've come to da stage in my life whereby i'm starting to think(perhaps its the stupid PBL fault) and yet, no answers can satisify me...if so, wad on earth can ever be good enuff? sighs...alot alot of things on my mind...me on the other hand, i feel dat i'm not the same anymore...i dunno...even i feel like i'm lying to not onli to the ppl around mi who i lurve but also myself...who am i? is all these of God's plan? too many questions to be answered but i'm feelin at such a loss...sighs...
still the same.|
9:19 AM
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